How to Eat a Pumpkin, 1597

"The pulpe of the Pompion is never eaten raw, but boiled... The fruit boiled in milke and buttered, is not onely a good wholesome meate for mans bodie: but being so prepared, is also a most phisicall medicine for such as have an hot stomacke, and the inward parts inflamed. The flesh or pulpe of the same sliced and fried in a pan with butter, is also a good and wholesome meate: but baked with apples in an oven, it doth fill the bodie full of flatuous or windie belchings, and is foode utterly unwholesome for such as live idly; but unto robustious and rusticke people, nothing hurteth that filleth the belly."  

John Gerard, The Herball or Generall Historie of Plantes

Try some baked pumpkin! A few windy belchings are sure to enliven your week.

Read More

How to Survive a Mermaid Attack, 1527

British Library MS Royal 2 B VII, f. 97r

The mermayde is a dedely beste that bringeth a man gladly to dethe. Frome the navyll up she is lyke a woman with a dredfull face, longe slymye here a grete body & is lyke the egle in the nether parte, havinge fete and talentis to tear asonder suche as she geteth. Her tayl is scaled like a fisshe and she singeth a maner of swete song and therwith deceyveth many a gode mariner for whan they here it they fall on slepe commonly & than she commeth and draweth them out of the shippe and tereth them asonder... but the wyse maryners stoppe their eares whan they se her for whan she playth on the water all they be in fear & than they cast out an empty tonne to let her play with it tyll they be past her. This is specifyed of them that have sene it.  

Laurence Andrew, The Noble Lyfe and Natures of Man of Bestes, Serpentys, Fowles and Fisshes

The bad news is that the slimy-haired mermaid of dread wants to tear you asunder with her talons. The good news is that you can distract her with an empty barrel.

Read More

How to Eat Bread, 1567

Stadtbibliothek Nürnberg, Amb. 317b 2, f. 85r (1607)

Nobles, who are bilious by nature, have both crusts removed from the bread, both the upper and lower crust. And the preeminent leaders of the church and more fastidious gourmands do likewise. So you should choose the inner part of the bread, because it provides better, more substantial, and faster nourishment than the crust. For people who are healthy but have a humid stomach, or people who want to lose weight, it is sometimes permissible to eat crusts after other foods. 

Johann Curio, De conservanda bona valetudine 

Just as you suspected: your crust-rejecting toddler is actually a bilious Renaissance lord.

Read More

How to Watch an Eclipse Safely, 1579 and 1658

Eclipse of 1664 (British Library 1875.d.4)

"Whosoever desyres to see the Sun eclipsed without hurting their eyes: Let them beholde the shadow therof in a vessel, wherin oyle is put: Where, they may beholde and see it without daunger. For a fatty humor is not easely troubled. And what shapes or fourmes it doth receyve: It representeth the same truely." 

Thomas Lupton, One Thousand Notable Things (1579) 

"Now I have determined to shew how the Suns Eclipse may be seen. When the Sun is Eclipsed, shut your Chamber-windows, and put a paper before a hole, and you shall see the Sun: let it fall upon the paper opposite from a Concave-glass, and make a circle of the same magnitude: do so at the beginning, middle, and end of it. Thus may you without any hurt to your eyes, observe the points of the diameter of the Suns Eclipse." 

Giambattista della Porta, Natural Magick (1658)

Forgot to buy NASA-approved solar glasses? These methods are approved by the Past.

Read More

How to Improve Your Memory, 1562

Margarita Philosophica Nova (1508), Wellcome Library

"To sleepe hosed and shoed especially with foule sockes, doth hinder the Memorie, because of the reflection of the vapours: feebleth the syght, and causeth the body to waxe whote and burne... Feare doth oppresse the Memorie, or endurynge sadnes: also a pensive care of housholde busynesse is hurtfull. Also immoderate sleepe and violent vomiting." 

Guglielmo Gratarolo, The Castel of Memorie 

Frankly, if your sock vapors are foul enough to cause blindness and burning, a poor memory is the least of your problems.

Read More

How to Swim, 1587

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Everard Digby, A Short Introduction for to Learne to Swimme (1587)

 “The times which the temperature of this our climate affords as good to swimme in, is comprehended in foure monethes, May, Iune, Iuly, and August... thence commeth a more vehement heate, which dooth temperate the water, and make wholesome the ayre... In the place is two things especially to be respected, first, that the bancks bee not ouergrowen with ranck thicke grasse, where oft-times, doe lie and lurke many stinging Serpents, and poisoned Toades: not full of thornes, bryers, stubbes, or thistles, which may offend the bare feete... Next that the water it selfe bee cleare, not troubled with any kinde of slymie filth, which is very infectious to the skin... Also that there be not in the bottome of the Riuer any olde stakes or sharpe stones, which may greatly indaunger the Swimmer... let him associate himselfe with some one that is taller and stronger then himself, which may both comfort him, and helpe to sustaine him, for that at the first enterance, the chilnes of the water will greatly discomfort him.” 

Everard Digby, A Short Introduction for to Learne to Swimme

 A few rules for summer swimming fun: avoid poisoned toads, and don't forget to bring a muscular friend to comfort you in case the water is cold.

Read More

How to Use Asparagus, 1568

John Gerard, The Herball (1636)

"Asparagus cooked with wine alleviates pain of the loins and kidneys, provokes urine, loosens the stomach, and frees the liver and kidneys from attacks, especially the roots and seeds. But if asparagus is used too much, it brings great harm, since it expels urine quickly, and irritates the bladder, which is bad. It is believed to incite lust… asparagus is a helpful food for a man, especially a newlywed having trouble in bed with an eager spouse: if at first he is unable to please his wife, this will allow him finally to have a sweet and loving partnership." 

Hugo Fridaevallis, De tuenda sanitate 

Ah, springtime, the season of love: the birds, the bees, the newlyweds gobbling asparagus...

Read More

How to Converse Politely, 1595

John Bulwer, Anthropometamorphosis
(1653), George Peabody Library

"It is also a fowle and unseemely thing for thee to make faces, in wrything thy visage into divers formes: or, to rub one while thy nose, another while thy forhead: or, one while to lift up thine eye browes, another while to pull them down too much, or to patter with thy lips; or, one while to thrust out thy mouth too much, another while to pul it in over-much, or to shake thy head, or to cough, unles thou be there too inforced: or to spet oft, or to scratch thy head, to picke thine eares, or to blow thy nose, or to smoothe thy face with thine hand, as if thou wouldest wype away shamefastnes from thee: to bee picking or rubbing thy neck, as if thou wert lowsie: or to clyng in thy shoulders, as some Italians use. All these are evill." 

William Fiston, The Schoole of Good Manners

 OMG stop picking thine ears and seriously what is with all the spetting?!

Read More

How to Improve Your Brain, 1596

Andreas Vesalius, De humani corporis fabrica, 1555
Wellcome Library, London

A Rule to knowe what thinges are good and holosome for the Braine.
To eate Sage, but not overmuch,
To drinke Wine measurablie,
To keepe the Head warme,
To washe your Hands often,
To heare litle noise of Musicke or Singers,
To eate Mustarde & Pepper,
To smell the sauour of Red-roses,
& to washe the Temples of your Heade often with Rose-Water. 

These Thinges are ill for the Braine.
All manner of Braines,
Drunkennes,
To stand much bare-headed,
Overmuch Watching,
Overmuch Bathing,
Cheese,
Garlicke,
Overmuch Knocking or Noise,
& to smell a white Rose.

A Rich Store-House or Treasury for the Diseased 

 A bouquet of white roses: the floral equivalent of a concussion.

Read More

How to Avoid Melons, 1565

Jacques le Moyne de Morgues, Study of a Melon (c. 1575)

"When you consider the small size of the root, and the great size of the stalk, and how close to the ground it is, and that it lies perpetually on the earth, and that it is influenced by every quality of the air, and that its growth is so fast, you will be compelled to admit that the melon is nothing other than the putrid moisture of the earth, colored by changing and harmful qualities, having every vice, harmful to the stomach, liver, spleen, intestines, lungs, kidneys, bladder, causing not only putrid humors but poisonous fluxes.  

Therefore my advice is that it should not only be renounced, but even banished from human use by the decrees of rulers. For what pestilence is more pernicious, from which many thousands of men have perished for so long?" 

Girolamo Cardano, De methodo medendi

How much longer must we wait for our politicians to confront the pernicious pestilence of melons?

Read More

How to Choose Drinking Water, 1528

Gesner, Nomenclator aquatilium animantium (1560)

"Thou ought to knowe that clere rennynge Waters that ben nyghe to cytees in pure grounde as small brokes be the best and lyghtest. Water that cometh out of stony erthe where as is moche fumosytees is hevy, contagyous, & noysom. Water of puddles or fenne full of frogges, addres, and other venymous worms be unholsom." 

Secretum secretorum 

A little water-quality issue you may have overlooked: poisonous snakes are not potable. 

Read More

How to Read Eyebrows, 1562

John Bulwer, Anthropometamorphosis

"The eyebrowes that be very heary declare folyshnes of maners and mischiefe... The eyebrowes whyche descende downe warde on the syde of the nose, and raysed vpward on the syde of the temples, and hangyng downeward on bothe sydes declare the man to be wythout shame enuious, folyshe insatiable, and lyke vnto hogges. The eyebrowes which descend crooked on the side of the nose declare the man to be witty in naughty thinges, and whan they be crooked on the out side of the eye, they signifie the man to be recreatife & merry... When the eyebrowes comme togyther, they shewe the man to be verye pensyfe and not very wyse." 

Richard Roussat, Arcandam 

Need a fresh look? A few minutes of strategic brow grooming will make you a whole new person. I hear "like unto hogs" is in for spring.

Read More

How to Prepare for Spring, 1528

Walters Art Museum MS W.195, f. 4r

"Of prymtyme, and what it is. The prymtyme is hote & moyst temperatly as the ayre. This season the blode moeueth and spredeth to all the membres of the body, and the body is parfyte in temperate complexyon. In this season chekyns, kyddes, and poched egges ought to be eaten, with letuses & gotes mylke in these thre monethes. Prymetyme begynneth whan the sonne entreth the sygne of Aryes and lasteth .xcii. dayes, an houre and a halfe fro the .x. day of Marche to the .x. day of June. In this season is the best letyng of blode of ony tyme. And than is good to trauayle and to be laxatyfe. And to be bathed. And to eate suche thynges as wyll purge the bely." 

Secretum secretorum, tr. Robert Copland

Are you ready for primetime? Nothing makes for a festive spring like lettuce, bloodletting, and laxatives. 

Read More

How to Cure a Nosebleed, 1561

Ortus Sanitatis (1499)

"Beat egges shales to pouder and syft them through a linnen cloth and blewe them into his nose: if the shales were of egges whereout yonge chickens are hatched, it were so much the better. Or els take the dounge of an asse, mixe the same wyth vinegre, and holde the same at his nose. Lykewyse doth the dounge of a Sowe or Swyne that hath eaten grasse.” 

Hieronymus Brunschwig,  A Most Excellent and Perfecte Homish Apothecarye

A handy quiz for identifying effective nosebleed remedies:
1. Did it come out of a farm animal?
2. Did a farm animal come out of it?
If you answered "yes" to one or both of these questions, go ahead and apply it to your nose.

Read More

How to Behave in School, 1595

“Be it far from thee to go unto the Schoole with as ill a will as wicked dooers goe unto the Stockes, or to the Gallowes... when thou art at Schoole, bee studious in thy lectures learning, attentive to thy Masters wordes and documents, what soever thy Master shall teach, mark it heedfully, and meditate thereon earnestly untill thou have learned the same perfectlye... Flie all fighting and wrangling with thy fellowes. But be curteous, gentle & lowlie, among all both rich and poore. Make no noyse nor use any meane, whereby thou maiest disturbe thy schoolefellowes: much lesse thy schoolemaster. Be a patterne of good manners, industry, curtesie, and obeying thy Master unto all in the Shoole. So shall thy praise be great, and thy profit greater.” 

William Fiston, The Schoole of Good Manners

Also: yield not to the temptations of Facebook during thy classes, do not rely overmuch on Wikipedia for thy term paper, and mock not thy Master on social media.

Read More

How to Carry Objects While Swimming, 1595

"To carrie any thing drie over the water in his hands. This is onely done by swimming upon his backe, and strayning himselfe to lye straight with his body, so that he holde his armes straight up, which will else force him to bend his bodie, and so he shall sincke, and holding his armes upward as afore, he may easilie carrie, or recarry, any thing over the water without wetting, as for example."

Christopher Middleton, A Short Introduction for to Learne to Swimme

Need to cross a river with cargo? This technique will get you to the other side with your belongings dry. As the illustration suggests, it works particularly well with... live birds.

Read More

How to Dress, 1530

Well turned out, you say?
Francis I of France,  c. 1520-5

"Naturally good or bad taste does exist. Things which are useless to the function of an article of dress, for example, are in bad taste... It was once held to be somewhat effeminate not to wear a belt, but nowadays nobody is faulted for this, because with the invention of underwear, shirts, and hose, the private parts are concealed even if the tunic fly open... Slashed garments are for fools; embroidered and multicoloured ones for idiots and apes... If your parents have given you clothing of a superior elegance, do not swivel about to admire yourself or leap for joy and preen yourself in front of other people, for the former behaviour is for apes, the latter for peacocks. Let others admire while you yourself appear unaware that you are well turned out." 

Desiderius Erasmus, De civilitate morum puerilium

Outfit check: your garments are a sexy monochrome, and you're wearing your best hose in case of tunic malfunction. You're looking fine and you know it. But please stop jumping for joy.

Read More